Fatigue: it's not just for camoflage anymore

Here I am on the upswing of the time between treatments and I'm feeling great. It's been a challenging week this last week in that the fatigue has taken me to the mat a couple times (Pin! Ooh, that was a sneaky move!) but I am rested and ready for the next session of chemo with a new drug, Taxol.

I had the best laugh at myself on Thursday. I had my blinker on to move into the right lane when out of nowhere a black car with tinted windows breezes past on my right. I said out loud to the mystery driver in such a hurry- and I'd like to say that I don't usually talk to myself out loud- "Where do you think you're going?" and then with a tone of self-satisfaction just seconds later when I see him get boxed in up ahead "Well, I guess nowhere fast!".

Then I realized that I'd turned into a crabby person whose Driving School was holding open enrollment and laughed and laughed to the point of tears at what the lack of sleep will do to a person. Naps, with all their virtues, which I have extolled herein, are really like snacks: tasty as they are you can't make a meal out of them. Thankfully these last few nights have been good, solid sleep nights and I'm feeling myself again.

One of the things I've come to clearly understand through this unexpected journey is that sleep is critically important to my state of mind. I am myself when I've had enough sleep; without it I'm not my best me.

This week, with the cumulative lack of sleep and fatigue which set in, it was a challenge to remain positive. My positive self said 'We're going to be positive if it's the last thing we do!' and the tired self said with a grin 'Well, it'll be the last thing you do.'. When I'm tired and find the doubt and fear starting to worm their way into my thoughts I remind myself that that is the tired talking and not the real me.

A big thank you to my Aunt Verlinda and Uncle Rich for sending such a beautiful and perfectly-timed card. There have been so many lovely cards from so many people! This arrived mid-week when I was feeling unsure of myself for the coming Monday treatment which, because of the change in drugs, had brought up some fear and trepidation in me. The card stated simply: "You can do it. You have everything you need right inside of you." And how true that is! I can do it. And I will do it. I have - as we all do - everything I need right inside of me. What a powerful thought to know that is true.

This sort of synchronicity has been happening quite a bit this week. I had been thinking a lot about the story of the Little Engine that Could and its simple message of how what you believe is what you will do. It's something I believe to be true: where the mind goes the body will follow.

I ran out to do an errand one evening this week and just as I got into the car the radio program on MPR was talking about trains of some sort. They ended the segment by playing this song- and I swear it was sung by Berle Ives- from "The Little Engine that Could". It goes something like "I think I can, I think I can... da da da dat da da... if you put your mind to it you'll be doing it before long..." and then ends with "I knew I could! I knew I could!". It was such amazing timing to hear that song when it was something I'd been tumbling around in my head.

Thanks to my friends Nicole, Galen and family for the beautiful piranha finger puppet with its sharp teeth and voracious appetite who will accompany me on the journey to the Mayo this Monday. The Amazonian piranhas, imported for the first half of the sessions, have done such outstanding work and I thank them from the bottom of my heart for their tenacity and bite. Now the new piranhas which have been flown in fresh from Paraguay (boy, are they sure hungry from their travels!) will come in and do their good work. It's going to be terrific!

Thank you to all of you for all your good thoughts and prayers as I begin the last four sessions of chemo on Monday!