The lessons, oh, the lessons...

I am now three quarters of the way through the chemo! Woo-hoo! The second treatment with Taxol went very well and my blood counts were high enough that Dr. P said I wouldn't need the shot of Neulasta, the shot given twenty-four hours after the chemo that boosts the white blood cell count, so we got to go home that same day.

The Neulasta is a very, very, very expensive though quite-useful-when-you-need-it shot. It's about three times the cost of the chemo itself clocking in on the itemized statements from the Mayo at $3, 990.00 per shot. All I can say is buy stock, people!

Kyle was able to join us for the festivities this session. It was lovely to have my whole family there. I did have to explain to him that only I would get the wrist band and be able to ride all the rides at the Chemo Park. Each time I check in at the desk I always clarify that the wrist band is for all the rides and the water park- if you don't ask sometimes they forget to include that and it's such a bummer when you've brought your water wings.

We were fortunate enough to get a private room again for the lengthier chemo. I prefer this because then we won't disturb the other patients, who may be wanting quiet time, with our laughter as we continued to watch the hilarious Canadian comedy that Janis gave to me for my birthday, "Slings and Arrows". It's a series about a Shakespearean acting troupe that's falling apart at the seams and with lines like "The lighting designer has been working very hard these last three days and assures me that there will not be another fire" you can see why we're in stitches! Thank you to my dear friends Maria and Howard for the loan of their snazzy new portable DVD player which makes all that laughter possible.

While passing on the Neulasta shot seemed a positive thing at the time, this week has been a challenging one with fatigue. I haven't felt this kind of fatigue in weeks and I must say it is humbling: the tank is empty and there are no reserves. No kidding. Now, I'm not certain that the fatigue is from not having the shot or if it's just the cumulative effect of the chemos but in combination with the neuropathy (numbness in the fingers and toes) it has made for wobbly, weak legs and a lot- and I do mean a lot- of sitting down.

When the fatigue set in on Tuesday I thought 'Oh, this is just the day after a treatment and it will pass'. When it was there on Wednesday in force my brain said 'No worries- just push through' even when my body was saying 'Let's have a seat' and 'How about a rest?'. By Thursday I was sure sorry I hadn't sat down and taken more time to rest because I was wiped out and that has continued through the weekend.

The lesson for me here is to listen to my body. Even a week ago I had more stamina and could do things like stand for extended periods of time but that was last week and things have changed. Getting my head to accept that is the challenge. It's the driver and knows where it wants to go but the body is the vehicle and without proper maintenance and attention to things- like the gas gauge- it won't be able to carry the head anywhere.

Boy, are there a lot of lessons in this darn cancer. Not to worry, I'll catch on ...

In our meeting with Dr. P last week I said there's no more cancer for those hungry piranhas to eat because now they're nipping at my toes and fingers! I told her I was having some tingling in my finger tips and toes as well as occasionally my lips. She thought the lip tingling was unusual but a possible side-effect from the platinum (and that's really all I ever want to know about what is in the drip bag!). Platinum, my goodness! They could certainly cut down on the cost by keeping that platinum out!

The tingling and numbness I'm feeling is the nerve endings being effected by the chemo which for me will be reversed once the treatments are completed. To aid in this repair I have now added another mighty creature to the animal arsenal: the starfish. Alright, maybe not mighty but certainly hearty! I picked starfish because they can grow back their extremities if one is eaten off by a predator or lost in a tragic escalator accident (they're not as fast on land as they are in the sea). So each time I become aware of the numbness or tingling I think 'Grow on, little starfish, grow on!'

It's hard to be certain of your steps when you can't really feel the front third of your feet, so, in light of that, I made a difficult call to Janis yesterday and asked... for help (Oh curses! Has it come to that?!)... with my laundry. It's not easy to ask for help when you're used to being self-sufficient and needing help with something as mundane as carrying laundry down stairs seems ridiculous. But it isn't when you've only got a limited amount of energy, wobbly legs and a lot of laundry. So a hearty thank you to Jan for her assistance with the three loads of whites, darks and towels.

Through this experience of asking for help (not an easy task for stalwart Germans) I have come to understand more clearly why older people continue to do things themselves that they really should have help with: they were just doing the laundry/driving/cleaning the gutters on their own last week/month/year, for goodness sake, why shouldn't they be able to do it now? You think you can do it on your own- you used to be able to do it on your own- and it's hard to acknowledge that things have changed. But they have for me and I need to accept the changes, tough as that may be.

Thank you to all of you who continue to send cards and letters letting me know what's going on in your neck of the woods. It's so meaningful to know you're keeping me in your thoughts and prayers especially on days when the fatigue is so present and being positive is a challenge. On those days especially your gifts are a welcomed repose! Thank you!